I'll paint this smile on and pretend I'm fine...

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 04:26:15 GMT

I look in here...and I think of how much everything has changed. Life has changed. I, myself has changed. It is all such a surreal moment. But, what isn't really?

Fri, 14 Apr 2006 22:38:56 GMT

everything is falling apart.

one by one.

step by step.

Fri, 17 Mar 2006 15:45:17 GMT

Fckin gross.

1- sliver of coffee cake( bites and peices but still disgusting)- 250 cals (im rounding up)
1- bran muffin- 250 cals
1 cup. fruit- 50 cals

550 cals.

this is disgusting. I dont know what is wrong with me today. I'm not eating the rest of the day, after doing some school im going up to the gym and burning all this off.

These days I feel so out of control with my weight and it is going to stop. On top of that, everything else in life is taking a turn for the worse.

Things can never be easy...can they? But hey, I am stronger.

When I eat, i am weaker. Its that simple.

welcome back.

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 16:53:00 GMT

wow

havent been on here in a long time.

Nothing much has changed in life.

weight- always a constant battle.

Now, im on trim quick pills.

im not hungry at all. Its a beautiful thing. I'm working out twice everday now..just gettin more toned...but ive just become so determined. These past few months, I've just let it go..i think thats why I have not been on here for a long time because..i felt to guilty. But now, im back lol

how is everyone these days?

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 23:19:38 GMT

ive missed everyone!!

i havent updated in sooo long?

hows is everyone?

i wish i could say more about me...

god

Wed, 21 Sep 2005 13:52:52 GMT

im so lost.
nothing is ever what it seems.
today is so shitty.
feeling huge.
feeling so lost on here.
hope everyone is awesome.
havent updated in forever...ive been away.
im lost.
im fat.
i wanna fucking die today.
i need to work out.
i want to sleep this day away.
i need to fucking work out.
my throat hurts.
redline is amazing.
Getting scared because my bottle is running out and i dont get my paycheck till next week.
I've missed everyone.
Hope everyone is staying strong.

im so fucking fat.

woo hoo!

Sun, 10 Jul 2005 17:16:33 GMT

wow the 4th was gross....ate so much. gross gross grosserrr

i havent updated in a while...sorry :(

nothin new, babysittin alot gettin some bank

im takin stacker2s again...i love them.

only ate breakfast today now i feel sick....

HOPE EVERYONE IS DOIN AWESOME!!!!!

STAY STRONG LADIES!!!

im sorry

Sat, 02 Jul 2005 19:28:18 GMT

sorry i havent updated in a while....once again my life is shattering to nothing..hey, once again. Got pulled over the other night on a restricted license with beer in the car and 2 drunk kids. But seriously for the grace of god i didnt get arrested...how? i dunno, god miracles. So after that everything has just been shakey....more of my friends gone. But no pitty party...i just need to go to my meetings and find people there i can connect with.

Thank god for NA and AA meetings. I would be lost.

im gonna go out and go rollerbladding and then hit another meeting tonight( no eating)

hope everyone is stayin strong!!!!!!

i love you!!!!

LOVE YOU ALL!

Sun, 26 Jun 2005 16:22:40 GMT

NEED TO WORKOUT TODAY...A-SAP!

ive been havin 3 slim fasts for like the past week soo i decieded to switch it up some...

they have these new weight watchers things now..like bagels for 1 or 2pt. english muffins for 1 pt.

soo i hit up the english muffin this morning with sugar free jelly=150-190 cals. :)

- grande passion tea w/ splenda at starbucks-40-70 cals

My grandparents are commin in today....soo i had to make like the chocolate oreo cupcakes..im like seriously dude, i have to make these? lol but i had a few gummie worms and now my stomach feels like SHIIATT....but i dunno all i know is that i need to be busy today doin w/e cuz they will make me eat..for sure. ;( not good.

i dunno ive just been feelin fattier like all over. my legs, arms,..just not toned and i dunno im gettin really stressed about it...beyond the normal...well..not normal...lol im blabbing on..sry.

HOPE YOU LADIES HAVE ONE AWESOME DAY!!!

STAY STRONG!!!!

good day hopefully

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 13:09:49 GMT

hope everyone is doin awesome :) been busy...becomming addictive to those slim fasts. lol but all n all im doin good. def need to exercise more though. ill update more later. have one awesome day ladies!!
stay strong!

today is your day to shine....

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 13:34:04 GMT

hey ladies, havent updated in a while soo now i am ;) hope everyone is doin awesome been readin some AWESOME stuff! so that makes me happy! still frustrated as hell but still doin everything i can to lose. just tryin to do little things so hopefully it will help. havnet been hungry lately, so thats been awesome. lol

hey has anyone checked out the slim fast with 50% less sugar in it...they are really goodd(180 cals) so im havin one of those bad boys right now. lol

goal is to drink more water...way more. (takes out the buldge in your stomach i read...makes you look more firm in the tummy region...so yeah been workin on that)

and just still restricting...today im gonna do only about 300 cals today.

ive missed you ladies and hope everyone has one wicked awesome day!!

STAY STRONG!!!

I LOVE YOU ALL!

why do you hate me

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 04:40:48 GMT

im disgusting.

Back to my realitly....

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 13:47:26 GMT

came back last night! i didnt gain at all!! whoop whoop! cuz my uncle had a scale...i ended up not bringing mine cuz my parents gave me a huge speech..ah, w/e..but yeah! ME SO HAPPY! haha

what an awesome time i had....
when i was in new york all i saw were these beautiful models and seriously it was a huggee inspiration...beautiful.

so im gonna try eating sushi..thats all. that is what lindsey lohan did. i read it somewhere...so yeahhh defiently gonna try it out! it makes sense too....you can have 4 california rolls for 150 and they fill you up! But im kinda bummed cuz its pouring out so i couldnt go up and walk to go get it so i had

-1 cup of honey nut cherios
1/2 skim milk...................160 cals.

-4 peices of sushi..............150 cals.

total=310 cals

im gonna be doin this for 2 weeks and see how it goes....anyone wants to join or just stay in the same cal range..let me know! its so awesome to be back writing on this! i missed you ladies!!

HAVE AN AWESOME DAY + STAY STRONG!!!

please just tell me everything will be okay....

Thu, 02 Jun 2005 09:28:01 GMT

uhhhhh leave for my plane in a few hours. Up cuz im worried. not about the flight not about the trip...no shiz like that. its seriously the fear of gaining. its horrible. but im seriously gonna stick to a 300 cal and below restriction this next week. I'm gonna have too. But im readin everryones posts.. doin awesome ladies! DOING AWESOME!!

STAY STRONG TODAY LADIES!!!

I LOVE ALL OF YOU!

the angel open her eyes..pale blue colored eyes..

Wed, 01 Jun 2005 12:59:01 GMT

ahhh i leave tomorrow for a whole week!! im scurredd!!!! but im packin my old scale..cuz seriously im gonna die without it. the airports are gonna scan and see a scale...ohhhh yesss! thats me lol

plan at my aunts house...

-no breafast and if she makes me peice of fruit.
-lunch..1/2 of sandwich of somesort...hopefully turkey.
-dinner-make a full plate of w/e they have and eat small bites and feed the dog with the rest.

resturants-

salads-no dressing and if dressing oil&vin.

if no salads;

vegetables.

and my aunt walks every morning so im gonna go walking with her..cuz they have gyms there.

but my cuz has a computer so ill update as much as possible!!

you ladies stay strong!!! i know you can do it!!

thank you for just being you.

Mon, 30 May 2005 13:51:08 GMT

came back yesterday...gained a pound. not bad. thought it was ALOOTT WORSE. cuz i had to eat..seriously a day without my scale i was DYING. im leavin on wedesday..for a week. yeah im packin it or else i will striaght up die. lol

missed you ladies. Thought of everyone while i was gone...how you guys were doin, stayin strong, just needed someone to tlak too...ha i always do.

have an awesome day!!

stay strong ladies!!!

please help

Fri, 27 May 2005 10:54:29 GMT

im scared. Tomorrow im leavin up for my grandparents house for a family renuion..im not really worried cuz there are tons of people and never can tell when im eating..so im fasting for that day. Plus they live out on a lake so ill be in there all day burning cals...

but then on wedesday im leavin for NJ to go visit my cousin and were gonna go to NY and penn. And then we will just be goin out to eat and stuff like that. And like i know ill eat fine.Salads with no dressing, but the fact that i dont have a scale....im gonna die. I weigh like 50 times a day. i dunno im just friggin out...

and im so scared to go on the scale when i come back and be up. Terrified.

any suggestions?

i hope you had the time of your life..

Thu, 26 May 2005 16:47:08 GMT

LAST DAY OF SCHOOL!!!! SENIORS NEXT YEAR!! HELLS YEA!

that makes me so happy. Just myself and I this summer..and the scale. thats it. waking up late, gym, fasting, beach...friends. thats all.. ahh :D

This year i defiently learned alot...about myself, friends,family, boyfriends. How i cant trust anyone in this cold world. And the reasons why i take it out on myself. Thank god for you ladies...you understand. The only ones that do.

-1 med. iced coffee(80)
-1 vanilla cone from mcdonalds(180)
-1 blow pop(80)

=340

fcking horrible. i disguste myself.

Gym later...defiently need to burn 400-500 cals.

with all of my heart..thank you!

STAY STRONG LADIES TODAY! DO it for Y O U.

my god

Wed, 25 May 2005 23:36:36 GMT

my god at soo much today...

-taco salad
-1/4 of a cup of hamburger helper
-4 mini dove chocolates

im disgusting.

i have to babysit but after that im going for a huugee bikeride.

STAY STRONG LADIES!!!!

Off to a good dayy

Tue, 24 May 2005 16:13:38 GMT

Wow, lookin at some pics in here really helped motivate me! thanks ladies :D

I've only had a iced coffee so far today and its 12..not bad, not bad. I think im just gonna have veggies later and then work up at the gym...right now im headed off to the pool in a little bit with my sis..not lookin foward to that. I hate going out in public half naked anywhere. I think thats why i think im still a virgin...i simply dont want to be naked. To embarassed. Ha and then i get dumped for not wanting to have sex..soo yeah. Dont you just love life..?

But oh well, the past is the past. Talked to someone i kinda regret still caring about because he doesnt give a fck about me. So i dunno...but w/e i guess. It hurts but im immune to pain in my life. lol but i hope everyone is having one KICK ASS day!!

STAY STRONG LADIES!!!

<3

Mon, 23 May 2005 18:54:58 GMT

The doors friggin OWN ME.

lol good day today. Well the first thing is that friggin i have 2 days of school left..so thats a HELL YES right there..and then last night i heard my friend's hardcore band play and it friggin KICKED. and got a free shirt :D fck yes...double wammie right there...im tellin ya the simply things in life are keepin me happy lol but i did ok yesterday..not great. but i worked out really hardd so that made my happy.

Today....

-2 cups of dry lucky charms-120(dude, i dont know what it is about lucky charms lately..lol) but im stayin away from them cuz they're all sugar..not good.

-1 venti iced americano-25 cals.

headed up to the gym to burn at least 400 cals...soo yeah and then im done for today.

seriously i wish all of us didnt live in the different states in shiz...i mean seriously we would be helpin each other out like MADD whoa if we lived by each other....

but, really though you ladies..every single one of you....keep me going. Knowing that someone else shares this pain i feel within me...and its unfortunate but just to know i can vent on here about everything and knowing you guys have felt it....wow. It makes my life a little bit simplier.

Thank you all so much. I'm ALWAYS here for each one of you. I know you all have hearts like lions :D

Sun, 22 May 2005 12:31:29 GMT

yesterday sucked. I got stoned to get away from my problems and ended up eating. i didnt gain thank god but still..wanted to lose. And ive been sober from that for about 2 months and i dunno just wanted to get away...ha normal. but im done with it. so today so far...

-1 dry cup of lucky charms(120)

thats all for today and exercise..ill post after the gym.

STAY STRONG LADIES

YOU KEEP ME GOING!

Fri, 20 May 2005 18:44:34 GMT

just went to my shrink....i love her to death but i talked alot about my eating issues. I felt SOO uncomfortable. You have no idea. Im friggin pissed at everything..mostly my damn scale...

-3 peices of turkey
-8 pb crackers(bad)
-1 venti americano
-2 diet cokes

and goin to gym later to work off a pound..at least.

I just need things to start getting better in my life....or else im gonna collapse..

STAY STRONG THOUGH LADIES!! im reading at everyones and they are all doing an awesome job!!

<3-<3-<3

why cant i just ever have a break..

Fri, 20 May 2005 01:55:43 GMT

so frustrated.

been cutting down STILL and i keep gaining?!!? why?!??! like i came home from the gym today and gained a pound it said. WTF?!! i dunno so tomorrow im going back to 30-100 cals. ANYONE WHO WANTS TO JOIN...POST! my goal is to lose 12 pounds in about 3 weeks......think its possible or what??

please...tell me ill wake up tomorrow in no recollection of this moment...

Tue, 17 May 2005 08:47:23 GMT

Please hold me.
I cant do this alone anymore.
I have pushed this world away.
Now im left wishing.
All I ever wanted was you..
But simply you didnt want me.
I starve for you.
Im simply starving for love.
I thought it wouldnt affect me.
It has. Its been.
I just want someone to wrap their arms around me and simply say..
I'll never leave you....
but what am i talking about...
no one cares.

Bad night, couldnt sleep. So sick of this school i have to go too. All druggies. But hey, when you kicked out of school...this is where you have to go. Thank god all of my classes are done though. I needed someone to talk to last night so bad. Went to court..i have to have a state eterney..so its been postponed to june 26..gosh, i just want my life back. Lord, please, im on my knees right now begging for love. Im so alone...and i called my best friend...and he said he was eating dinner and never called me back. God, that hurts. He was my everything..someone that i took so much comfort in. Ill tell you, nothing hurts more when you love someone so much and he simply doesnt feel half of it for you. It hurts. I'm hurting...I have been for so long and im so sick of it....

I just want to wake up one morning,love myself and not keep everyone at arms distance, but it will never happen........im breaking down...

just had crackers...thats it for today..maybe some yogurt for today. And alott of exercise. Ha take my feelings and put them on the tredmill. lol yess